And say you're my hippie, I'll say I'm your hippie
We'll giggle and cuddle and always be happy
We'll never go crazy we'll never feel crappy
We'll never feel crappy we'll always be happy

[Kimya Dawson]

  Tonight is going to be filled with Best Buy, and Hour Eyes, and tiny little diners in hick towns that have waitresses who are three times our age and the best home cooked food ever.

  And hopefully, the night will end with us going home and curling into each other on the couch, half naked, with a good movie, our eyes on the beautiful blue bong.

                         I'm so fucking in love with her.

[I am a poster girl with no poster]

I am cheesing like mad in that photo.

 Yesterday was pretty beautiful.  Pretty foggy.

   Jesse came over before Jasmyn came home.  And when she got home it was a riot of laughing and talking and chattering and Buffy and being weird and being cool.

 We left in the rain to go get Jenn.  From the moment she got in the car, the night was never quite the same.  I do wish it had just been the three of us all night.

 We got back, smoked.  Jenn didn't smoke though, which was nice.  I got high off my ass, and I know Jesse did.  Jasmyn was just as high as I was.

 The whole room was a daze. It was a fog of whispering and movies and voices and glances here and there.

 I just really had a good time for reasons I maybe don't understand fully.   Maybe I'm just liking being social again.

 Or maybe I'm just letting myself fully be in love again.

[pictures from this weekend]

 The apartment phantom

Before Neeta's graduation party, I look SO huge in this for some reason

The Bridal Shower cake. I am the best maid of honor ever  =]

Gloria Lynn was suppose to be in this picture, but she got cut out of it

 The Bridal Shower went better than expected. It actually went well. Smoothly. It was fun.  All the grownups complimented me as I left, saying I did a great job planning it.

 I'm proud of myself.

EDIT    I'm great now. Whenever things with her and I are off? Then I'm off. I'm not happy, and I'm not okay.  My world isn't right.

 But then after her and I talk things out? And things ARE okay between us?  I feel great.  I feel like I'm exploding sunshine and light all over the place.

 The sky seems clearer, the day seems brighter.  The world starts making since again.

  Bottom line? She's everything.  She's the woman whose body molds to fit mine, like two puzzle pieces.  She's what I've been looking for since I was eleven years old.  I am never ever ever letting her go. 

 Happy one year and four month sweetheart.  I love you  =]

  I know I'm ready.  To do this. To take that one step into adulthood.

  To leave behind that emotional mess of a teenager that I was.  That girl will always be with me, but I can manage her. I can keep her at bay without letting her come forward enough to ruin things again.

    I need to grow. To go. To let go.  I need to start acting like I'm in my twenties now.

 I was such a wreck for so many years, but that's not me anymore.  There's no more starving, cutting, puking.  Or sleeping whole days away so that I don't have to feel anything.

 I take life now.  I want everything now.  I've done a completely 180, yet there's still feelings and behaviors I need to get rid of.

 I can do this.  I know I can.  I'm not alone, she's right with me.  More than anyone, she deserves this.  She deserves for me to take this step.

  We've been together a year and four months, and I still haven't completely kicked away my safety net.

  And I don't know why I haven't.  She won't leave me. I know that in the deepest part of me.

 I can see where her mind leads.  Where she daydreams about her future, the person she's going to be.  The things she's going to accomplish.  I know that I'm there right beside her in her thoughts for the future.

 The way she can look into my eyes and know that she's in mine.

  So I need to do this. If not for myself, for her.  Her. 

           She takes up so much of me, and I'm not just hurting myself anymore by not doing this.

    I know I can do this.

 I can't stand it when her and I argue

When we bicker
When we can't work something out

I love how things are intense between us

But I hate when the intensity is interrupted by something

Especially when it's something petty

I hate the back and forth and back and forth

I just want amazingness

Constantly

To stay
To not fade in and fade out

  Relationships take so much work.

   But loving her is always worth it.

 The pot last night was amazing.  Dani's pot last night was amazing.  It hit beautifully in the bong.  I felt like I was floating, flying.  I felt like I was flying out of the room.  Out of my mind.

 She was right beside me, and we were sharing it together.  In it together.  It's the only way I ever want things to be.

 It's a beautiful day.  Sky is perfectly blue. There's a perfect amount of clouds.  And the weather is perfectly hot.

 I wish I could capture this day and make the weather like this every day.

   I wish I could capture life right now and always have it be this way.